


If & When

by Thistlerose



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: M/M, Slash, Starfleet Academy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-16
Updated: 2010-11-16
Packaged: 2017-10-13 06:03:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/133791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thistlerose/pseuds/Thistlerose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The <i>Kobayashi Maru</i> is the first test Kirk's ever failed. He doesn't take it too well at first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If & When

Jim’s in a serious funk tonight. Leonard can tell the second he gets home from his shift at the infirmary: the dorm lights are off; there’s no aroma of food in the air, even though Jim had talked earlier about ordering Chinese; the kid’s red uniform is in a heap on the floor. That last thing is completely out of character. Jim isn’t a neatnik, but he takes care of his things, and he generally shows a lot of respect for the uniform, even when he’s stripping for sex.

Leonard sighs as he sets his medkit on his desk and reaches around to loosen his own uniform. He’d heard about Jim’s failure this afternoon – some of the other cadets had been whispering about it in the hall outside the language lab – but he hadn’t figured the kid would take it this badly. Everyone fails that goddamn test. Jim’s special in a lot of ways, but he doesn’t get to be the exception to _every_ rule, and a small, ornery part of Leonard is glad Jim was taken down a peg. He delights in the kid’s many successes, but Jesus fucking Christ. There’s a limit.

Still, he tells himself as he changes quickly into his sweatpants and T-shirt, he doesn’t have to rub it in Jim’s face. Others already have, he suspects. And he’s better than that. Most of the time.

All his vague feelings of righteousness basically curl up and die the second he sees Jim, anyway. The kid is sprawled in bed in his civvies, his head turned listlessly to the side. His eyes are open and glassy, his lips slack. A frown would’ve been more encouraging, since that requires at least a modicum of effort. Jim just reeks of apathy, and that’s wrong.

Leonard drags his fingers through his hair and shifts uneasily in the doorway. “You hungry?” he asks finally.

Jim shakes his head.

“Well, I am, and I’m ordering out. There’s no way I’m going to the mess after spending the day anticipating sesame chicken and spring rolls.”

Jim’s shrug is barely discernible in the dimness.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” The words twist out of him, and before he’s even aware of having made a decision, he’s striding across the bedroom floor and sinking down beside Jim. The kid doesn’t move, so Leonard has to shoulder him over, just so he has some goddamn room. When they’re lying side by side, he says “Kid…” And then he stops because, really, he doesn’t know what to say. He’s never seen Jim like this.

Fortunately, Jim finds his voice. It’s low and raw, and as close as they are, Leonard has to strain to hear his words, which are: “I lost them. All of them. My crew, the crew of the _Kobayashi Maru._ They all died. I couldn’t find the answer in time.”

“Maybe there is no answer.”

“There is _always_ an answer.” Jim sounds so certain that Leonard doesn’t have the heart to contradict him. Sometimes there’s an answer and sometimes there isn’t. Sometimes the answer doesn’t come to you until it’s too late.

“Nobody died today,” Leonard says gently. “Nobody _real_ died today.”

“I know that. But _if—_ ”

“ _If_ ,” Leonard snorts.

“ _When,_ ” Jim continues brutally. “The scenario wasn’t far-fetched at all. It’s based on a number of actual Klingon encounters, all of which ended in death. In fact, I recognized elements from—”

He’s just going to go on if Leonard doesn’t stop him. Unfortunately, he can’t think of anything suitably quelling to say. Rather, he can, but he knows it will only hurt Jim more.

 _You’ve never failed a test before, have you? You’ve never lost someone you were responsible for. You never faced death._

To stop himself from saying that, he rolls over, sliding an arm under Jim’s shoulders, and pushes their mouths together.

Jim squirms as the words of anguish and self-loathing get knocked back down his throat. Leonard chases after them with his tongue. He shivers as his teeth scrape over Jim’s, but he doesn’t ease up. He needs to get deeper into that slick, hot mouth, needs to get as much of himself as will fit inside Jim.

Without letting go, he repositions their bodies, nudging Jim’s legs apart, hooking an arm under one of his knees. Jim allows himself to be manipulated, which is a little worrisome; he isn’t normally this passive when they’re making out. Leonard sweeps his tongue over Jim’s palate and starts to thrust against him gently. That earns him a moan. He can feel Jim’s arousal through his sweatpants. A few more thrusts and Jim’s hands are in his hair, carding through it, while his legs wrap around Leonard’s hips.

With those signs of life, Leonard decides it’s safe to break the kiss finally. He lifts his face only an inch or two from Jim’s, and looks down at him. The blue eyes meet his, and Jim says through swollen lips, “If it had been real, and you’d been there, you would’ve died too. We both would’ve.”

That is _so_ not what Leonard needs to hear right now, so he clamps his mouth back over Jim’s and starts rutting in earnest. Jim rises to meet him this time, and it isn’t long before they’re shuddering against each other and clinging, fingers digging bruisingly into flesh.

Jim lets go first. He flops back against the pillows with a weak little moan. It takes Leonard about a minute longer to catch his breath. Then he lifts his head and glares at Jim. “That,” he croaks, “is shit I do not need to hear.”

“It’s true.” Jim laughs weakly. “That’s why I’m gonna take the test again.”

“The hell you are,” Leonard snorts. The front of his pants are a sticky mess, but he still lacks the energy to do more than drape himself over Jim and nuzzle his neck.

“What makes you say that?”

He sounds genuinely curious, so Leonard decides to humor him. “Because, darlin’,” he explains between slow, sloppy kisses, “everybody fails that goddamn test, and nobody takes it again. That’s not the point.”

“Maybe I don’t care.”

So he didn’t exactly manage to kiss sense into Jim. At least he doesn’t sound full of despair anymore. Leonard is about to suggest they clean themselves up and order out already, when he feels Jim’s warm hand curve around the back of his neck.

“I mean it,” Jim says, giving Leonard’s nape a tender rub with his thumb. “I’m going to take the test again, you’re coming with me, and I’m going to beat it. Because there’s no way I’m dragging your precious ass into space if I can’t beat that fucking test.”

Leonard considers this new development. There’s a lot he could say. _You’re out of your mind, kid._ Or _I don’t care if you do pass that test, there’s no way I’m setting foot on a starship._

But then Jim wraps his other arm around Leonard’s shoulders, holding him close, and all Leonard can do is sigh and kiss him again and say, “All right, I’ll be there.”

10/28/10


End file.
